You too can be a U.S. Senator from Arizona, Just follow these easy steps:
1. Get yourself shot down over enemy territory (okay, not that easy, but doable)
2. Get out of the Hanoi Hilton in one piece (not that easy, either, although when you’re the son of a Navy Admiral the VC and NVA are going to realize that you’re a hell of a lot more valuable as collateral alive and in one piece as opposed to buried in a rice paddy)
3. Get back to the states. Get your head straight.
4. Pick a state with a large plurality of readily impressionable tea bagger types. (White, retired, conservative, exceptionally jingoistic)
5. Move to that state. File to run at first opportunity.
6. Remind voters at every turn about your war service (okay, no problem here) and how patriotic you are. Hmmm. Slight technical problem: Jimmy Stewart and George McGovern were both bomber captains in WWII. Exceptionally dangerous duty, with some of the highest casualty rates of any of the services in the war. Both survived without ever getting shot down. Does this make these two gentlemen any less patriotic, especially since both were fairly liberal politically?
7. Get elected to first office. Start climbing political ladder. Once again not especially easy, but judging from the class of 2010 on the right, probably not nearly as hard as one might think.
8. Dump our first wife when your name starts to get some star power. Start looking for some high priced dame with money. Once again, something that gets a lot easier when you start getting the other perks of national office.
9. Flirt with whatever ideas seem to be momentarily popular.
10. Occasionally go against parts of your own party. Identify yourself as a maverick.
11. Set your sights on the big prize: the mansion on Pennsylvania Avenue.
12. Lose the nomination to a scion of a big political family with a political machine behind him that paled anything ever put forward by Boss Daley, Pendergrast or Tammany Hall. Quietly seethe when they trash your name politically and start whisper campaign in the deep south that your adopted daughter is actually the result of an illicit tryst between you and a black woman.
13.Do slow burn for eight long years while this know nothing creep takes your place in the White House and basically trashes the joint, poisoning the well for the next GOP nominee.
14. Play the part of the loyal party stooge even if you would secretly like to send this tool and his political brain both to Hanoi for a couple of years R and R in the same little cell where you got to enjoy North Vietnamese hospitality. All while trying not to remind yourself that neither one of these two dirtbags ever came any closer to Vietnam (despite being of the age group that coincided with the peak years of the war) than occasionally eating at Vietnamese restaurants in DC, Salt Lake City or Houston.
15. Eat a freight train sized load of s*** by going to the White House and seeking the blessings of the two who did the most to deprive you of the GOP nomination and damage your reputation in the national party. Basically donning the knee pads and kissing the ring of Bush’s brain.
16. Start campaigning hard. Bring in consultant groups that identify the base elements needed to win.
17. Start to abandon whatever principles you have ever had. Change your positions on major issues with every new poll. Tack hard to the right on nearly every major social issue.
18. Refuse to criticize the current administration. Even when it is revealed that they have ignored the Geneva Convention and condoned torture. Ignore your own experiences in Vietnam, and / or any concerns about captured U.S. troops being tortured in retaliation for an indefensible U.S. policy.
19. Allow hard right elements in your own party to force you to accept as a running mate a femme fatale with virtually zero national political experience, no knowledge of national or international affairs, and an ability to revel in her own ignorance.
20 Feign indifference to serious economic problems rocking country due to disastrous economic and foreign policy decisions of current administration.
21. Get your but handed back to you in the general election, despite campaign of GOP skullduggery.
22. Seethe some more when VP candidate gets turned into new media sensation by the same people who saddled you with her as a running mate. Let it be known that you consider her to be large part of reason for poor showing election.
23. Run against tea party candidate in primary by campaigning to prove that you can be of more reactionary and heartless than some political hack from Phoenix.
24. Return to step #11. Repeat all relevant steps as many times as necessary to achieve ultimate goal.
25. Ignore those who mention definition of insanity: doing the same thing over (repeatedly) while expecting a different result.
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